can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
