i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
