just come out here and I will go home with you...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
