i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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