mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
