Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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