Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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