I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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