Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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