Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
