I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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