walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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