I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
