Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
