I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
