dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
