just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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