I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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