The maid of honor just puked.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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