Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
