Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
