More tranny stories later!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
