Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
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I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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