I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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