ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
