I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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