i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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