I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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