My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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