im six kinds of drunk right now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize