She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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