I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
