She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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