I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
