there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
