Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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