saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
