If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
