Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
