How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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