my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
