We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
