I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
