he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Please, let me fuck your mom
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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