i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
