Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
