I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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