Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
