Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
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I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
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Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize