Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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