I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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