I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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