New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
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I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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