So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
