last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
