at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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