My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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