whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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