He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
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Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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