My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
