we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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